


Caliborn Goes to the Doctor

by starcrossedWanderer



Series: The Caliborn Saga [3]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Cliffhanger, Drama, M/M, Murder, Surgery, burger battle bakeoff, jimothy, shitpost, smoothie employee, tenstion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2020-11-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 07:21:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27689546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starcrossedWanderer/pseuds/starcrossedWanderer
Summary: Caliborn goes to the doctor to make his brain bigger
Relationships: Burger King/Ronald McDonald, CALIBORN/BURGER
Series: The Caliborn Saga [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2047643
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Caliborn Goes to the Doctor

IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES, IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES. IT IS THE WORST OF TIMES BECAUSE I, THE MOST SMART AND INTELLIGENT MAN WHO HAS WORKED VERY VERY HARD AND GAINED EVERYTHING THAT I DESERVED NEED TO GET FOREHEAD SURGERY. 

FOR YOU SEE, I, IN MY INFINITE WISDOM LEARNED AN IMPORTANT LIFEHACK WHEREIN IF YOU EAT 413 BURGERS, YOU WILL GAIN ENOUGH POWER TO WEAR SUNGLASSES. I LEARNED THIS WONDERFUL FACT FROM MY EMPLOYEE JIMOTHY WHO IS THE MOST FAVORITE AND EXCELLENT EMPLOYEE THAT I HAVE EVER SEEN, IN ALL HIS STRAWBERRY GOODNESS. HE TOLD ME THIS WHILE I SIPPED IDLY ON HIS SENSUAL… MOST AMAZING STRAW. 

SO I SET OUT ON A QUEST. A QUEST TO MAKE THE MOST PERFECT BURGERS AS THE “GENERAL MAN AGER” OF THIS WENDY’S.   
AND IN MY QUEST I DID SUFFER FOR MY DEEDS. I DID SELL MANY BURGERS. THE MOST BURGERS. ALL THE BURGERS THAT ANYONE IN THIS WORLD DID EVER SEE. 

I GAZED UPON PERFECT BRIOCHE BUNS. I GAZED UPON DIVINE “AMERICAN” CHEESE THAT COMPLIMENTED THE MOST INSPIRED GRASS FED BEEF. AND TOGETHER WITH MY ARTISTRY, I DID WITNESS ARTISTRY UNLIKE THE WORLD HAD EVER SEEN.   
WHORE’S AND BITCH’S DID COME THROUGH MY WENDY’S “DRIVE THROUGH” IN THEIR MINI VANS AND THEIR “””FORD””” “””FIESTA’S””” AND THEY DID YELL AT ME FOR NOT GIVING THEM THEIR PRECIOUS DIET COKE. 

BUT I KNEW WHAT THEY NEEDED. I KNEW THE CRY THAT THEIR HEART MADE. THEY DESIRED BURGERS. THE BURGERS OF PERFECTION THAT ONLY MY BRAIN COULD COME UP WITH. 

BUT IN MY ENDLESS AMBITION OF BURGEROLOGY, I MADE A FATAL FLAW.   
MY BRAIN GREW TOO BIG. BECAUSE I WAS BECOMING MORE AND MORE SMARTER AND MY PERFECT HEAD WAS TOO SMALL TO HOLD ALL MY SMART THOUGHTS. 

THE KNOWLEDGE… OF THE BURGERS… THE ARTISTRY AND PERFECTION,,,,, IT WAS TOO MUCH KNOWLEDGE, TOO MUCH POWER. I WAS TOO GOOD AT BURGERS AND WAS RUNNING THE OTHER “MOM” AND “POP” BURGER STORES OUT OF BUSINESS AND THEY ARE WANTING THEIR “DIET COKE” MORE AND MORE. 

SO I ASKED THE DOCTOR. DOCTOR HUGEBRAIN, FOR HIS MASSIVE HANDS AND EVEN MORE MASSIVE BRAINS TO HELP ME SO I COULD EAT MORE BURGERS AND GAIN MORE BURGER KNOWLEDGE, FOR THOUGH I WAS ALREADY THE LORD OF TIME, I ALSO NEEDED TO BECOME THE LORD OF BURGERS. I WOULD DETHRONE THE KING OF BURGERS. I WOULD ONCELERFY THE COURT JESTER THAT IS “””MC DONALD’S””” AND BRING THEIR MIGHTY EMPIRE OF MEAT TO MY KNEE’S FOR I WAS STRONG AND HAD THE POWER OF THE BITCHES WITH RED PIGTAILS. 

I WOULD DUNK ON ALL THE CUSTOMERS, AND I WOULD BECOME THE GREATEST BURGEROLOGIST THAT THE WORLD HAD EVER SEEN. 

SO I SAT DOWN AT THE OPERATION TABLE SO THAT DOCTOR HUGEBRAIN COULD WORK HIS MASSIVE HANDS ON MY WIZENED SKULL THAT WAS FILLED WITH THE SECRETS OF BURGERS. BUT AS DOCTOR HUGEBRAIN BEGAN TO PLACE HIS MIGHTY HANDS UPON ME MY HUGE BRAIN I NOTICED SOMETHING. SOMETHING… GOLDEN… AND ROYAL DOCTOR HUGEBRAIN TURNED OUT TO BE THE KING OF BURGERS. 

I HAD SPENT ALL MY TIME BECOMING THE BEST AT BURGERS THAT I HAD NOT LEARNED THE ART OF SUBTERFUGE AND LIES. THE BURGER KING HAD TRICKED ME AND THE NURSE WAS NONE OTHER THAN RONALD. THAT CURSED RONALD. THAT CURSED RONALD MCDONALD. 

THEY EMBRACED IN FRONT OF ME AND SHOWED THEIR HIDEOUS AFFECTION KNOWN ONLY AS!!! HAND!!! HOLDING!!!

I STOOD MYSELF UP ON THE OPERATING TABLE AND KNEW WHAT MUST BE DONE. BUT THEY DID NOT EXPECT THE WORDS THAT I HAD PREPARED. FOR THEY DID NOT REALIZE THAT I KNEW THEY KNEW I DID NOT KNOW THAT THEY WERE DATING.   
I HELD UP A SCALPEL AND ATTACKED THE KING OF BURGERS IN A DOCTOR OUTFIT, BUT HE WAS TOO FAST! HE THREW A CHEAP BURGER IN MY MOUTH AND MY HEAD GREW BIGGER. BUT LITTLE DID HE KNOW, THAT I WAS THE MASTERMIND OF BURGEROLOGY, THE PROFESSOR OF THE ART OF MEAT AND BUNS. AND I KNEW THEIR SECRETS. THEY DID NOT CARE ABOUT THE END PRODUCT, THEY DID NOT CARE ABOUT THE ART OF THE BURGER, THEIR INTENTIONS WERE ON PROFIT MARGINS AND SERVING OUT THE BEST “DIET” COKE THAT THE MOMS AND THE POPS WITH THEIR MINI VANS WOULD PURCHASE. FOR MY BURGERS WERE BETTER AND THEY WERE TO DIE FOR!!!! AND SO WITH SHITTY BURGER IN MOUTH AND SPATULA IN HAND, I CHALLENGED THE KING AND

THE JESTER TO A BURGER BATTLE BAKEOFF AND ONLY THE STRONGEST BURGER WOULD SURVIVE! 

FOR I WAS THE OVERSEER OF CHEESE AND TOMATOES AND LETTUCE. I WOULD SURVIVE WHERE THEY WOULD FAIL. 

WE SET UP THE BATTLEFIELD IN THE HOSPITAL OPERATING ROOM, I WITH MY STOVES AND MY MEATS AND THEY WITH THEIR CHEAP RECIPES AND UNDERPAID DISGRUNTLED WORKERS. 

I THREW THE SLAB OF MEAT ON THE GRILL THAT WAS FRESH AND NEVER FROZEN, AS IS THE WAY OF THE ONLY BURGER MAKER ABOVE ME, THAT DREADED BITCH WENDY. I WOULD COME FOR HER ONE DAY. 

WENDY……………… 

YOUR TIME WOULD COME SOON WENDY

FOR AS I WATCHED THE MEAT SIZZLE ON THE GRILL, THE KING AND THE JESTER’S GRILL MADE MORE AND MORE BURGERS, MOUNTAINS OF BURGERS TOWERS OF BURGERS THAT THE EYE COULD SEE. 

AND I MADE… MY ONE BURGER. 

FOR IT IS ONLY THE WORK OF THE LORD OF BURGER'S THAT COULD UNDERSTAND THAT A SINGLE BURGER’S QUALITY IS MORE POWERFUL THAN ALL THE BURGERS IN THE WORLD. THAT AND PUTTING MORE BACON ON A BURGER MAKES IT OBJECTIVELY BETTER. 

AND SO I PLACED MY RUSE, MY TRICK. I PUT SO MUCH BACON ON MY BURGER THAT IS WAS BACON. A VERITABLE BACON BURGER WITH MORE EPIC POGGERS BACON THAT ONLY THE EYES COULD BARELY PERCEIVE. 

I PLACED A BUN, TOMATOES, PICKLES, AND CHEESE UPON MY BURGER AS I SENT IT OUT TO BATTLE. THE CLOWN’S BURGERS WERE STRONG, BUT I HAD THE KNOWLEDGE ON MY SIDE AS MY SINGLE BURGER SLEW ALL THE OTHER BURGERS. AND BROUGHT THE LORD OF BURGER’S TO ASCENSION. 

MY BURGERS KILLED THE KING AND THE CLOWN AND I TOOK THEIR CROWNS AS REWARDS, AS TROPHIES, AND I REALIZED THAT MY BRAIN WAS ALREADY THE COOLEST, THAT I COULD WEAR SUNGLASSES, EVEN WITHOUT EATING 413 BURGERS. 

SO WITH THIS I WARN YOU. THE TOP BITCH, THE HEAD HONCHO, THE WOMAN I WORK UNDER, THE WENDY. I WILL FIND YOU AND TAKE YOU OFF YOUR IRON THRONE OF BURGERS AND SHOW YOU THAT BURGERS ARE MORE THAN JUST MEANS TO AN END. I WILL SHOW YOU THE ART OF BURGERS. I WILL SHOW YOU THAT BURGERS.   
MEAN BUSINESS. 

AND NOW I HAVE ONCE MORE SHOWN OFF THE FACT THAT I AM A BRILLIANT WRITER. FOR THIS IS WHAT WE IN THE BIZ CALL “FORESHADOWING” AND “A CLIFFHANGER.” BASK IN THE GENIUS OF MY ART, BACK IN THE PERFECTION OF MY WORDS. 

AND UNDERSTAND THAT I AM COMING FOR YOU… MISS… WENDY. 

**Author's Note:**

> BE WARNED WENDY


End file.
